Utterly Alone
by elauriejadie
Summary: Leah... I'm pregnant. Don't worry, Paul loves you, he won't leave you. My eyes widen. I wasn't scared about that.
1. Chapter 1: Happy Birthday

Esmeralda's POV

_Leah... I'm pregnant_.

I write on a piece of paper and then hand it to my best friend.

_What?! Does Paul know yet? _

Paul. He's the love if my life. And no. He doesn't know yet, and I don't know how to tell him.

_No_.

_God, Ez! You're only a sophomore!_

_I know, Leah. Please don't lecture me about how Paul was a junior and too mature for me._

_I won't. _

_I'm scared_

_Don't worry Paul loves you, he won't leave you. _

My eyes widen.

_I wasn't scared about that. _

_..._

_My mom... She kicked me out this morning. _

_You can stay with me, Ez. My mom and dad won't mind. _

_Thanks. _

_No prob. And I didn't get to say it this morning... But happy birthday Ez. _


	2. Chapter 2: A Box of Candy

I fold up the paper and shove it in my backpack. My eyes widen and I get up, and grab a hall pass off the wall. As soon as I'm in a bathroom stall, up goes my breakfast. Fabulous.

When I go back to the classroom, there's a mint on my desk. I flinch. And so it begins

Lunch

I find Paul and sit down next to him silently. "Hey Esmie." He says, smiling down at me. "Hi Paul." I say quietly. He hands me a piece of paper, "Happy birthday." "Thanks." I say, smiling slightly.

_I will be completely content with a box of candy for my birthday.  
~Esmerelda Valdez_

My smile disappears. I said that maybe thirty minutes after we had sex. I was gonna tell him now, but I think I'll wait. Yes, I'm being very chicken.

He sits a huge gift box in from of me with an emerald bow. Wen I open it, I see my favorite candies. Tons of it. Starbursts, Skittles, Jolly Ranchers, boxes of Mike and Ike's, bags of gummy things, and candy bars. I force the smile back on my face, "Thanks Paul." He grins and kisses me sweetly on the lips. "Pleeeeeeaaaaaasssssseeeeee stop! Spare my eyes!" Jared whines. "Love you, Esmie." "Love you too, Paul."

Next Period.

Paul and I met at a party. He was wasted and I had found out that beer made me sick. And I'm glad about that because it was disgusting. He was flirting and I was ignoring him. He persisted the whole party and somehow got my phone number out of one of my friends. He persistently flirted and talked to me for the next week or so, until I answered one of his phone calls. He was actually really sweet. He is really sweet. Yes, a lot of people warned me, "He's a man whore." They said, "He only wants you for sex." They said. But I gave him a chance and we gradually formed a relationship built on love, not sex.

I start to feel sick again, and get up and go to the front of the classroom. The teacher looks at me over her glasses. I didn't really realize she was teaching. "Can I go to the bathroom?" I murmur. "Right now?" I nod, "Right now." She sighs, then signs my passbook and I quickly leave the classroom. I go to the bathroom, and yep, up goes my damn lunch. Okay, so no more pop tarts and pizza. I get it.

When I come out of the stall, I pop a Jolly Rancher in my mouth. Maybe it'll make my breath smell like blue raspberry. It better.

I've been told I'm pretty. But I'm not really sure. I'm Hispanic and I have large brown eyes, short eyelashes, a long nose and pink lips. My black hair goes to my elbows, and it won't curl for anything; all I can get are weak waves. I have dark green, purple, and blue highlights and an asymmetrical bang that covers my left eye. Ear piercings. Helix, forward Helix, industrial, rook, daith, you name it, I got it. Just not gages. I have six eyebrow piercings and two nose piercings. Leah talked me out of a tongue piercing. There's a jade green dragon tattoo on my arm, and the mouth opens above the palm of my hand. On the palm, there's flames.

I'm an A student, and I've been called a teachers pet. The teachers say I have potential for a scholarship. Through basketball and academics. My chances are temporarily gone for basketball, but what about academics? Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I'm stupid or insignificant.

When I come out of the bathroom, the bell rings. I sigh and go get my backpack. People shoulder me, and step on my feet, yeah, I know, I'm going in the opposite direction of everybody else. Eighth period is gym. For everyone.

After I retrieve my bag, I walk to the gym slowly. I knock on the coach's office door and she looks up, "Come on in, Esmerelda." I come in and close the door behind me. "Um I can't do gym, I've been sick and throwing up all day, I just don't feel good." I ramble; I refuse to say morning sickness. She looks concerned for a moment, then says, "Alright, sit out." "Thanks." I murmur and leave the room. I sit on the bleachers and look around the gym, bored.

Leah and Paul come towards me from different sides of the gym, and when they see each other, they scowl. Leah gets there first. "Hey, Ez, did you tell him yet?" I shake my head no. "Tell me what?" Paul asks. "Nothing asshole." Leah mutters, rolling her eyes. "Hey!" Paul says through gritted teeth. "I have a really bad headache." I whisper. They close their mouths and glance at me, then each other. "Sorry." They say simultaneously, then glare at each other. "Hey, Leah!" Someone yells. Leah glances over her shoulder, then turns back towards me. "I'll talk to you after class, alright?" I nod, and she jogs off. Paul sits down next to me, "So I'm gonna take you to your favorite place after school." He says. I cock my eyebrow. "I'm gonna take you for frozen yogurt." He says. "Cool." I murmur. "You alright?" He whispers. I nod, "I'm fine, Paul." He takes my chin gently in his hands and turns my face towards him. "I'll tell you later, alright?" I say, avoiding his eyes. He smiles, "Alright, don't eat the whole box during gym."


	3. Chapter 3: Alone

After School

Paul and I walk to my car, his arm around my waist. When we get there, I unlock it and we get in. I have a Toyota something. Not really into cars; and I don't like this one. Just saying.

When we get there, we walk to the door, holding hands. Maybe frozen yogurt will go down okay. It's should... Right? I grab a large bowl, and Paul raises his eyebrow. "We sharing?" I shake my head, "I'm hungry." "No, you're craving chocolate." He says tauntingly.

Craving.

Cravings.

Shit, like what the hell?! Is he psychic? I mean yes I want chocolate and everything... But did he have to say craving?

I fill the bowl with cookies and cream, chocolate, vanilla, chocolate mousse, and coffee. For toppings, I add peanuts, Oreos, chocolate chips, whip cream, and marshmallow sauce. Yes, I went crazy.

After we pay for it, I make him go sit outside. I don't want to tell him in front of a lot of people. And there's always his infamous temper. I wait till we're done eating, then I force myself to say it.

"Paul, you-you love me right?" I ask.

To tell the truth, what Leah said worried me. A lot. I know it shouldn't have, she was saying he wouldn't leave me.

"Of course I love you. You know that." He says. I look up at him, tears already in my eyes, I'm terrified.

"Paul, I'm pregnant." "What?! What kind of joke is this?!" He yells. His eyes are hard, and his jaw is set. "Paul it isn't a joke." I say, shaking my head. "You CANNOT be pregnant!" He yells at me, "I thought you were on the pill!" I swallow, "No, I wasn't. We weren't going to have sex, remember?" "WELL THEN WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!" He yells, getting up.

Does he regret... Having sex with me?

I shake my head, this is not happening. He is supposed to say 'its going to be ok, it's going to be fine Esmie. I'll be there for you' and all that stuff.

"_**I'm not dealing with this shit!**_" He growls.

My eyes widen. My dad said the same thing when he left.

"W-what?" I whisper. He looks down at me, showing no emotion, "We're through." And then he storms away, towards the street.

My eyes widen and the tears spill out. I put my face in my hands and sob. It wasn't supposed to happen this way!

My mom kicked me out, my dad never wanted me. Paul doesn't love me.

I'm alone.

I'm so alone.


	4. Chapter 4: One Year Later

I had my beautiful baby boy, and I kept him. I was tempted to name him Paul. I thought about naming him Pablo. But I didn't, I named him Jayden Alexander. Yes, Lahote. I'm very proud of my baby boy. He's so beautiful and strong. Just three months old.

My mother apologized, she just was surprised that I would 'do such a thing'. I didn't move back in with her. Turns out he looked I much like Paul for her, so off she went. Again. My mother is a bitch.

Paul and I didn't speak again. In fact, he was the one who told everyone I was pregnant. He just didn't tell who by. Leah did that for him. He lost a lot of popularity for the way he dealt with it. But I don't know. Jared said he was scared too. No, he just didn't love me. But the sad part is.. I still love him. He changed. a lot. Word has it, he's on steroids and Sam, who dumped Leah for her cousin, is the dealer. In fact Jared's on that road too. They go through a growth spurt, and then poof. They have a tattoo, they're 7"2 or something, and they miss a lot of school. Paul and Jared are repeating junior year.

Labor was the worst pain ever. But it was quick for me. He came right out, five pounds and eight ounces.

Leah and I moved out, and we have a small house that we're renting close to the school. I work at Sue's along with Leah and Seth.

My older brother, Fernando, was there through my pregnancy. He wasn't happy that k was pregnant, but he was there. Through the hard nights, the cravings, the hormones, the heartbreak. A lot of the last two. Pretty sure that Jayden's first word will be uncle.

Present Day.

I'm laying on the floor, holding Jayden above me, making weird faces at him. He giggles and smiles a lot. He's such a happy child. I stick my tongue out and cross my eyes. He giggles, and I smile. I sit up and sit him in my lap. "Who's my happy baby?" I coo. "Who? Is it you? Yes it's you!" I kiss his forehead, and straighten his blue hat. He has on a blue onesie, and socks over it. I'm in my standard basketball shorts and tank. My hair sees no care lately, just messy buns on the top of my head.

I put my face on his stomach and blow, and he giggles, and kicks his little feet. They end up on my face. I lay him on a pillow, and hold his feet gingerly. I blow on his stomach, and his giggles grow louder. Then, I pick him up and cradle him close to me. "I love you, Jayden, never forget that. It'll never change." I whisper.

When he starts to suck on his thumb, I reach over to the dresser and grab a bottle out of the bottle warmer thingy. I squirt it on my hand, grab a blanket, and walk into the living room. I sit down on the couch, and feed him his bottle. He sucks it, his eyes closed, and his hands grasping the bottle as tightly as they can. "Hey, Ez." I don't look up as Leah comes into the room, "Hey Leah." "How is he?" She asks as she sits down next to me. I smile, "He's great." "How are you Ez?" She asks quietly. It had come to light that I didn't do so well without Jayden near me. I was ominous and gloomy or whatever. He's my sunshine. "I'm fine Leah." I whisper. "Are you sure?" I nod.

I'm still very heartbroken. And I hate that I can't move on. But.. I can't-won't love anyone else. And I'm pretty positive that's how it's gonna stay.

After I burp Jayden, he goes to sleep and I get in the shower. When I get out, I trip over a rubber ducky.

I know I look a hot mess and I should care.. But I really really don't. But Sue doesn't want any scary waitresses, so I let my hair down and brush it, till it shines. Then I clip back my bangs. I get dressed in one of my many-every color of the rainbow-Sues t-shirts, this time blue. Cuz it matches my baby. I pull on black skinny jeans, then look in the mirror. Eventually, when I realize my eyes are boring, I put on gray eyeshadow and add a little eyeliner. After I swipe on lip gloss, I leave the bathroom. I take Jayden from Leah's arms and lay him down in his crib. I kiss his forehead, and cover him up. Then, I turn the light off in my room and leave.

When I get to Sues, I wait on people that I of course know, because everyone knows everyone. I had just taken my order to the back when Gabrielle taps my shoulder, "Hey, Ez, can you take table number five for me?" I nod, "Sure bri." I walk out of the kitchen, writing things on my order sheet, and stop at the table. When I look up, I immediately scowl. "The fuck is this?!" I groan.

"Um.. Hi Ez." Emily says. I frown at her, "Only my friends call me that." "Esmerelda," Sam says tiredly. "Watch it Sam, I still wanna take your head off." I say. "Ima tell sue that her waitresses are mean." Jared says. "Whatever, deserter." I sigh nonchalantly. "Um.. *ah-hem* excuse me." I move to the side without looking up, and someone sits down. When I look up again, I instantly regret it. There's Paul, sitting there, staring dumbly at his hands. "I'm going to kill Gabrielle" I growl under my breath. I turn to Sam. "What would you like." I say through gritted teeth. He talks for what seems like forever, and I have to use one and a half sheets of paper. Emily orders a salad, Jared orders a three course meal, and Paul.. I really don't want to talk to him. "Um.. Hi Esmie-Esmerelda." He says quietly. "Just tell me what the fuck you want Paul." I say back. I didn't want to look at him, but after going for a long time without hearing him say my name-his magic still works on me. I glance up at him, and it quickly turns into a glare. He stares back, his jaw suddenly slack. That's not cute. "Paul, stop staring at me and tell me what you want!" My eyes widen and I close my mouth. I said that... The day we... He remembers too, because a small smile instantly plays on his lips.

Then he rattles of a list of food, bigger then Jared's but smaller then Sam's. "Somebody else will probably bring this shit to you." I mutter and start to walk away. Paul grabs my wrist. "What's this?" He asks, looking at my tattoo. It's a heart with Jayden's name and date of birth on it. And I don't want him to see it. I cover it with my left hand. "It's none of your damn business." He looks hurt. "If you don't let go of me, I will punch you in the nuts." I growl. He lets go of me immediately, holding his hands up. I walk away, my head down, fighting back the tears. I can't cry, not here.

No one else will bring the food out, so Gabrielle and I do. "You do know I'm gonna kill you for this, right?" I say as we walk back to their table. "I swear I forgot, Ez." "Yeah, why don't I let you serve Embry the next time he comes, huh?" She glares at me.

We sit the plates down, and walk away, and I can still feel Paul's eyes on me. "Stop staring at me Lahote!" I whisper. Someone gasps.

When I go to give them their receipt and I see Sam pull out more than what's needed, I scowl. "I fucking swear if you give me a damn tip I will shove it up your ass." I hiss at him. "Fine, fine." He Says, and puts it back in his pocket. "Paul, it's time to make things right." Sam whispers as I walk away. "No, she hates me." "You're damn right I do, you ass."


	5. Chapter 5: Fathers

As soon as I get home, I drop my bag and go to my room. Fernando is sitting in the rocking chair in my room, rocking Jayden. I smile at the sight. "Hey." I say quietly. He looks up, and smiles slightly. "Hey, Ez. Have I told you that he is an angel child? All you did when you were little was cry." "So was I a demon child?" I ask. "Yes." He says, grinning. I roll my eyes and gently take Jayden from his arms. He opens his eyes, looks up at me, and closes them again. I rock him to sleep, then put him in his crib. I cover him up, and turn on the nightlight near the door. Fernando gives me a hug, "Night, sis, I'll see you tomorrow." He whispers. I nod and he leaves the room.

Before I go to sleep, I make more bottles, lay out the clothes he's gonna wear, put his bath on the kitchen sink, and take another shower. Then I lay down on my bed and close my eyes.

And that's when Jayden started crying.

The next morning.

I hardly slept, but when I did I was in the rocking chair, with Jayden in my arms and a cover over us. He cried most of the night, and I have no idea why. When he wakes up, he starts sucking on his hand, looking up at me expectantly.

"You hungry, Jayden? Mommy will get you a bottle." I say, then get up. I grab him a bottle, squirt it on my hand, and then feed it to Jayden. I walk around as he eats, and when I go in the living room, I'm surprised to see Seth laying on the couch, asleep.

I go in the kitchen and sit Jayden in his high chair, and fill up his bath. I look up when Seth comes in the kitchen, yawning. Apparently the water was too loud. "Sorry Seth." He shrugs, and smiles at me, "It's fine." He looks at Jayden, and Jayden giggles. "Can I hold him?" Seth asks. I smile and nod, then I walk over and put Jayden gently in Seth's arms. Who, by the way, is growing way too fast for a fifteen year old.

After I give Jayden a bath and get him dressed, Seth and I take him to the living room, to play with toys. The doorbell rings and I pick Jayden up and go to the door. When I open it, I come face to face with a nervous looking man. "Um.. Hi." I say slowly. "Hi Esmerelda. I'm your.. Father." He says. I squint at him. "Oh really? And what the fuck could you possibly want after all of these years, huh? You couldn't possibly want to get to know me." He flinches, "I came to see if it was true. If you really had a son." "Well I do. I have something to do." I say, then close the door. I stop, and open it again. "Why didn't you want me dad?" I ask quietly. For the first time since He got here, he makes eye contact with me, "I was scared." He says. And then, he walks away.

I slam the door, and walk into the living room slowly. "LEAH!" I yell. I hear a thump from upstairs and smile slightly. She fell out of her bed. She comes storming down the stairs, pulling on shorts. "What?! What?! _WHAT_?!" She yells, throwing her hands up. "My dad just came by." I say quietly, and sit down with Jayden. "Oh. Wellzz... You okay?" I nod. "I just started wondering.. I always wanted a father.. And since I can at least make contact with.. Paul.. Should I? For Jayden?" I murmur. "My dad asked about that the other day.. Everyone thinks that would be best. You know, for Jayden." Leah says.

And then, my phone rings.


	6. Chapter 6: Ice Cream

I pick up the phone and put it to my ear. "Hello?" I say quietly. "Hey, it's Jared." I sigh in relief.

"Andpaulwantstotalktoyoubecausehestillovesyouandre alizeshewasbeingadumbass." He says quickly.

"Jared-" "Hi Esmie." "Hi Paul." I say grudgingly. Silence fills my ear, and for a second, I could've sworn he hung up on me.

"C-can we talk?"

"We _are_ talking."

"I mean in person."

"I'm not sure if I'm ready to talk with you alone. The last time I did, didn't go so well."

"Um.. Ouch... You can brig Leah, and I'll bring Jared."

"_Where_ Paul?"

"Ice cream."

"_Really_? Wow. Ass." I mutter,  
Then hang up.

"So?" Leah asks. "He wants to go for Ice cream." "That's so cliche." Seth says. "Exactly." I say. "But you're going anyway." I nod, "and you're coming with me." "UGH! I really hate him! YOU KNOW THIS!" She growls and stomps upstairs.

"Seth, c'mere, I need your opinion." "On you clothes? _No way_." "On Jayden's clothes." I say slowly. "Oh cool." He says and follows me into my room. I lay out three outfits... Onesies... A blue one, a green one, and an yellow one. "Which one would you not be able to tell if it's a boy or a girl without seeing the baby's face? ... If that makes since." I say. "Um the yellow one." He says, a tone of "duh" echoing in his voice. I nod "I thought so. Okay get out we have to change." I say. He rolls his eyes, and leaves the room, closing the door behind him.

I change Jayden into the yellow onesie and a matching hat and socks. Then, I change into a boxy striped hoodie and skinny jeans. Then I slide on yellow flats and pick Jayden up, put him in his car seat, cover him up and grab his diaper bag. I take a deep breath and we leave the house and head towards the ice cream parlor.

When we get there, Paul and Jared are standing outside. "You fuckin serious?" I mutter when I realize Paul has a yellow shirt on. A very _tight_ yellow shirt. His eyes light up when he sees me, and he smiles. I look away and get out of the car. I take Jayden's car seat out, and Seth carries the diaper bag for me.

"EZZY!" Jared says when we get to the door. I grin at him, "Yeah, it's Ezzy, Jare Bear." He sucks in a breath, "No way. Never again. You cannot call me that anymore."

"Hi Esmie." Paul says quietly. I glance at him, "Hello Paul." I say coldly, then open the door of the parlor. He takes the door out of my hand, and holds it open. I take a deep breath and walk in.

"Can I see her-him-the baby?" Paul asks when I sit Jayden's car seat on a table. I take Jayden out of the car seat and hold him close. I look up at Paul and he looks at me hopefully I hug Jayden closer. "Esmie he's-she's my kid too." He says quietly. "Lets get some things straight. First of all don't call me that. Second, until I feel you're worthy to be trusted with my child and you take responsibility, this is my child and my child _alone_." I say evenly. He swallows and nods, a painful look crossing his face. "Good." I say quietly, and walk past him.

"Leah do you think babies can eat ice cream?" Seth asks. "Noooo." Leah says slowly. Seth glances at Jayden, "Sorry. I mean sowwy." He says. "Really?" I say, staring at him. "What?" He asks, shrugging.

Somehow I manage to build a chocolate sundae, and sit back down. Paul sits across from me. I put Jayden in a his car seat, turning it towards me. Leah sits next to me and Jared across from her. Seth pouts, then grabs a chair and sits on the end.

"So we are here to talk right?" Leah says. Paul shifts uncomfortably and his knee bumps into my thigh. And stays there. "Paul move." "Sorry." He says, and moves back into his previous position. "Start talking Lahote." Leah prompts.

"Esmerelda... I'm really really sorry, more sorry than I can say.. I-" I then realize that this is actually _hard_ for him. That's _new_. "I-I was scared." He says quietly, looking me in the eyes. "You don't think _I_ was scared? I was _alone_ Paul." I say, my voice thick. I can feel Leah's eyes boring into my head. She does not realize how much time she spent with Sam during my pregnancy. "I'm sorry Esmie-I just freaked out and I didn't know how to apologize or come back."

I push my ice cream forward. My appetite is beyond gone. I irritably wipe away the tears that fall, then Jayden starts to cry. I pick him up and sit with crossed legged on the booth. I pick up his cover and wrap him in it. "Seth, please hand me the pacifier." I murmur. He hands it over, glancing at my ice cream. I push it to him without any hesitance. "Thanks." He says grinning. I nod. "Seth go sit somewhere else." Leah says. He rolls his eyes and gets up. I continue to rock Jayden until he falls asleep.

"Esmie... I did love you.. I still do." Paul says quietly. I stay silent an focus on Jayden. "Esmerelda, _please_." "The reason I agreed to come here today is for Jayden. He's not gonna grow up with out a father."

I make eye contact with him, "And-and as fist as you and me... To be absolutely honest.. I'm still hurting from you leaving me when I needed you most. I'm not trusting or loving or whatever anymore; I'm damaged. _You damaged me_. I-I can't deal." I say. "Esmie... Just let me show you that I've changed. Please just give me another chance." He pleads. "Paul I can't. Not right now-I don't know if I ever can."


	7. Chapter 7: School and Sharing

People at school are okay now, but in the beginning, horrible things were said. I don't even want to think about it. But when it became old news, seventy five percent of people were nice to me. Twenty four percent of them were Paul's closest friends and reliable whores. Yes I'm being blatant about it. Jared was the one percent that was undecided. People were genuinely nice and packed Sue's house out for my baby shower. So all in all, I got some really good friends and some merciless scrutinizers; quote "for a reason".

XXXXXXXXX

Fernando wakes me up, and I get I the shower. I wash my hair and get dressed in a black spurs t-shirt with the number four and green on the back (as in Danny Green). I put in gray pants and blue converse. I quickly swipe on silver eyeshadow, add a black wing, and bright red lipstick. I grab my backpack, kiss Jayden and Fernando's foreheads, and leave the house.

When I park and head towards the building, everyone stares at me scornfully as they whisper to their friends. I find Jared who's sitting with Embry Call, and pull him away. "What's going on?!" I whisper hiss. "Word got out about yesterday, and people are majorly judging you because you met up with Paul." He says honestly. I square my jaw, "So what they really thought I'm gonna let my child grow up without a father?" Jared awkwardly side hugs me, "S'okay Ezzy."

The warning bell rings and we walk into the school and go to our first period class. And yeah, a lot of people are talking. And they're never quiet about it.

I quickly made friends with Embry. He hardly talks, but when he does, he hilarious. He's so adorable, yes I'm only one year older, and yes he's like 6"11 or something,

But!

He's still adorable. I'm 5"7 so he's like a foot and four inches taller than me. That's not a lot, right? An apparently he has a crush on my friend Kelsie; he just started staring. She's liked him for maybe a year or so, and know that it's so apparent and in her face he likes her, she's fiending over it.

I remember when I made Leah sick over the face that Paul liked me and I had absolutely no idea why.

Speaking of Paul, he's missing. And yes I'm sorta missing his presence in my classes. It's only second period now, so maybe he'll show up.

XXXXXXXXXX

Fourth Period

"Um, Ez, did you really meet up with Paul?" My friend, Maria asks. I sigh and put my pencil down. "Yes, so we could talk about Jayden and so he could see him."

Even though he didn't.

"Is that all?" She asks, I nod. "Phew, I thought you were actually back with that ass." I wince, "Um no.."

He may be an ass, but I still love him and I don't want people calling him one.

Wait what? Since when did I start caring about his feelings and rep again?

"You still love him, don't you?" She says accusingly. I shrug a shoulder and sigh in relief when the bell rings. But she follows me, and in the middle of the hallway, she grabs my shoulder and spins me around.

And this is what I hate about Maria.

"I said do you still love him?!" She yells. And just like that we have everyone's attention.

"Look, I met up with him because my child will never not have a father in his life. Period. I mean look at me, I'm not blaming my pregnancy on my dad, but I have issues, dammit. And Jayden is not going to grow up with resentment, anger, self pity, a feeling of not being good enough, none of the shit I deal with everyday. I am doing the best for my child. So none if you have the right nor should you have the audacity to talk about my damn decisions. And so what if i still love him? Yeah it's pathetic but tell me, did your feelings for Jared go away when he dumped you huh? No, and you say it's pathetic. So call it pathetic it's my reality not yours so shut the fuck up about it and find something else to talk about. This is my life." I say to Maria, my jaw squared, pointing at her chest.

I turn around, and make my way through the crowd. It's ridiculous that so many people were listening to that. But I'm glad they were, the talking needs to stop. Before I actually snap at one of them.

At the edge of the crowd, I run into someone. "Sorry." I say, and try to keep going. "Its fine." He says quietly. Paul. "Did you hear all of that?" "Yeah." I bite my lip and nod slowly. Of course he had to hear that I still love him.

"How bout we leave." I glare at him. I cannot believe this. "_What_?!" I yell. "So I can actually see Jayden." He says gently.

Oh.

"Yeah, sure. Lets go." I murmur uncomfortably. We leave the school, and they watch us wordlessly. Kim and Kelsie look at me like 'no! No don't do it!' So I beckon to them to come along, and they do so way to quickly. And just like that, Embry follows. Jared throws his hands into the air and follows him. They stop in front of each other, and Jared's eyes widen and his jaw goes slack. And he's staring at Kim. She's liked him for longer than I can remember. What is up with today and these eternal crushes liking my friends back? If that even makes since.

"Hey you guuuyyyssss, lets goooo." I say, waving my hands in front of Jared and Embry's faces. "Hi I'm Jared." Jared says instead. "Kim." She says quietly. A look of delight crosses over his face and I arch my eyebrow. "Can you please talk in the car before he bell rings?" I ask. Jared nods passively, "Yeah... Can I hold you hand?" He asks, never looking away from Kim. My eyes widen, and my jaw goes slack. I have been best friends with these two people for a while and Jared never gave Kim a second look. Ever. You can barely see her nod, her face is so beyond surprised. He takes her hand gently, and they start toward the door. Kelsie and I watch with our mouths slightly ajar. "Esmie?" Paul asks slowly. "Oh right, right sorry. Lets go." I say, and gently pull Kelsie after me.

Kelsie, Embry, Kim and Jared sit I'm the backseat, and they keep on whispering reaaaallllly cheesy things, which just results in giggles. You can imagine how awkward that is for Paul and I. Awkward isn't even the right word. It's beyond that. When I pull up to the house, I practically dive from the car, leaving everything but my keys in it.

They follow me to the house, and Leah opens the door. "What the fuck?" She says, looking at Paul. "He wants to see Jayden." I say quietly. She looks at him with disgust written all over her face, and steps back so we can come in. They follow me to my room, and Fernando stands up when we get in there. "Ez, what the hell is this shit?" He says, glaring at Paul. "He's Jayden's father. Period." I say evenly, trying to calm him down. He hates Paul with a passion, and now, he's pissed of. "Who the fuck do you think you are? Coming back after all this time? What fucking right do you have you ass?!" He yells. I gently lay my hand on his arm. "He's his father. That's the right he has. Period." I say. "Ez," He says seriously, "Be careful." He adds softly. He glares at Paul one last time and leaves the room.

Paul's shaking, and I sigh. "Paul calm down. Jayden doesn't react well to angry people. That's the only reason Fernando left." I say evenly. I turn around and pick Jayden up, and he looks up at me with his big brown eyes and I smile. "Hey, baby boy." I coo quietly. He reaches up to stroke my cheek, and I lean towards him. He pokes my cheek and giggles. My smile widens. I hug him, then turn around.

The room is empty except for Paul. "Where did they go?" I sigh. "I dunno." He says, rubbing his neck. I roll my eyes, of course he doesn't. I gently place Jayden in his arms, and he smiles down at him. And seeing that felt a hundred times better than I thought it would. Not to mention the fact that it's very adorable. Jayden has Paul's eyes. I mean I realized this before, but now seeing them together, it's so much more evident. Along with the fact that he's got Paul's nose. Jayden looks exactly like his father; and nothing like me. I highly doubt that it will even out in the future, but that's okay.

"Um, they wanna see him." Paul says quietly. "How do you know?" I ask, squinting. He looks in uncomfortable, "I can.. Um.. I can hear them." I raise my eyebrows, "Right. Okay." I say, and gently take Jayden from his arms. I walk into the living room, and Kelsie and Kim get up. They squeal when they see him, and Jayden squeals right back, earning a well drawn out "aww".

"Can I hold him again?" Paul asks quietly. I look up at him, still somewhat stunned that he's actually here. "Um, yeah sure, come over here though." I say, and walk over to the couch. We sit down on the couch and I gently and somewhat reluctantly place Jayden again, in Paul's arms. I mean, I'm overjoyed (and stunned) that he's here, but up until now, Jayden has been my baby. And Im gonna have a hard time sharing my baby boy.


	8. Chapter 8: When you're the most honest

"Umm, I gotta pee..." Paul says slowly. I roll my eyes, "Alright, I'll take him." I say, reaching towards him. He sets Jayden gently in my arms, and I rock him back and forth. When he puts his hand in his mouth, I figure he just might be hungry. I take him into the kitchen, and sit him down in his highchair. I walk over to the fridge, and grab a bottle. When I turn around, I run right into Paul. I stumble back and he grabs my wrists so I don't fall. He stares down at me, and a blush colors my cheeks as my heartbeat quickens. I swallow, and snatch my wrists out of his grasp. "Esmie-sorry." He says quietly. "You seem to say that a lot lately." I mutter. He winces. I look up at him, and I'm surprised when I see actual hurt in his eyes. He glances at me apologetically, then away. I walk past him, and pick Jayden up. "Can I feed him?" Paul asks quietly. I squirt the milk onto my hand, then walk over to the microwave, and put the bottle in.

I turn around, "No, Paul." I say quietly. He exhales, "Look I thought you wanted me here." He says impatiently. "Yeah for Jayden, not to be acting like nothing happened. Because something definitely fucking happened. I don't want you touching me." I blurt, squinting at him. "Yeah, alright." He says, his voice hard, but his eyes are a completely soft and apologetic. "And stop looking at me like that." I mutter and turn around to get the bottle. "Here, you can feed him I guess." I huff, and place him gently in his arms. I hand him the bottle, the walk quickly to the front room.

I can feel them watching me as I leave the house, slamming the door after me. I sit down in the lawn, and hug my knees to my chest. I really don't need this right now. I really don't need him to start effecting my emotions. It'll fuck me up and throw me completely off track. But at the same time, that screwed up part of me that still loves him (all of me) is like, 'No, no he must stay! Because then, you can heal and get over him! Maybe get another boyfriend!'

I'm so delusional.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Paul, go home, it's late." I say, taking Jayden from his arms. It's about ten-thirty or so and everyone already left except him. Leah went to have dinner with her family and take Seth to the movies. Fernando is most likely at work.

"No, we need to talk." he says firmly. "There's nothing to talk about Paul." I say quietly. "Yes there is and you know it." He says, and sits back down. "Paul please, I'm tired." I say quietly. "Good. That's when you're the most honest." He says, crossing his arms. "No. Not tonight." I say turning around, heading towards my room. "Look Esmie, if you want me here, you're gonna have to let me back in." I go into my room and he follows. When I leave the room, I close the door.

"Did you ever think that letting you back in might be a little difficult for me?" I ask him, crossing my arms. "Yeah well we all have to do hard things." He says harshly. "Oh, so now you're pissed at me huh?!" I screech at him, "Hurting me must not be that hard for you to do, because you do it with ease!"

"You don't know that." He growls.

"Yes I do and and so does everyone else."

"You don't know how I felt."

"Well apparently it wasn't real love!"

"So I'm not perfect! What the hell do you want from me?!"

"No Paul, what the hell do you want from me? Because you're the one who started this. And I don't think I have much else to give you!" I yell, tears flowing down my cheeks.

"No, esmie! You want me here, you want me to apologize, you want to shut me out?! So what the fuck can I do that's actually done _right_ by your standards!" He growls down at me, shaking.

"IT'S NOT EVEN _ABOUT US_ ANYMORE! THERE'S NO MORE US! THERE NEVER WILL BE! IT'S ABOUT JAYDEN!" I yell, stomping my foot. "I hate you! I HATE you, I hate you, I _HATE_ YOU PAUL! SO JUST _STOP_ TRYING!"


End file.
